Preparation for a Lifetime – La Vista Church of Christ

I Did Not Marry a Christian

Jeffrey Hamilton — Tue, 23 Dec 2025 03:14:04 +0000

Author Unknown

Several months ago, an article appeared entitled "I Married A Christian." I read the article with great interest, and it drove home some very sobering thoughts. As I read the article, I could not help but think of what a contrast my own life was, for you see, I didn't marry a Christian.

No one told me of the unhappiness I was due in marrying a non-Christian. At the time I married, my parents were not faithful, and consequently neither was I. I can't put the responsibility for my actions on them. I was eighteen years old and knew what the Bible taught on marriage.

Now, after having lived with a non-Christian for almost ten years, I have been made aware of how important it is for our young people to marry Christians. These ten years have not made me an expert on the subject, but they have made me realize that I should try to teach and/or discourage others from making the same mistake.

When I fell in love with my husband, I could not think about those things that could lie ahead. The only thing I knew was that I loved him with all my heart, and no one knew or had experienced this kind of love. Ours was different, as I felt there was nothing that could ever come between us that we could not overcome.

After we were married, I soon realized how our attitudes and thinking varied. We rented a small apartment and were soon entertaining other non-Christians in our home. The drinking and dancing were all part of the things I had been taught to abhor. And yet right here in my own home, I was consenting to, and becoming a part of, things that a Christian has no business doing. I was getting further and further away from the church. I knew what I should be doing as a Christian, and yet I was doing nothing to change. We were happy by most people's standards, but I was miserable. I knew my husband did not share my love for the truth, and he was not serious-minded about it. I love him so much, and I was learning a hard, cold fact that love was not enough. I wanted to return to my "first love." We talked about my return to the church, and I realized another fact: he had no intention of going with me despite his promises (before marriage) that he would.

I decided to wait about returning and try to work things out as best I could. In the meantime, we found out we were expecting our first child. I was elated! I was also made aware of the creation of God within me. I was soon to become a mother and have a life truly influenced by me. I was going to get my heart right with God again.

I repented of my sins and started trying to live the life I so wanted to live. It was hard. First, because I had no encouragement from my husband. Secondly, we still had all our non-Christian friends in and out. My Christian friends from church came by, but not too often because my husband openly did not like them. I love them and wanted them in my home. I needed them. Somewhere around this time, the hostility began. I was seeing and hearing a different guy from the wonderful guy I married. There was a wall building between us. Out of love for my husband, I stopped attending church again. I did not attend for months. I was miserable inside again. After our daughter's birth, I wanted to get back to church. My husband's answer was "No." He wanted me to start going to church with him, where he went as a child -- a denominational church that did not follow God's Word. We really had problems there. I knew the error they taught, and I could not worship there. He insisted; I resisted.

Three and a half years ago, I repented again and started to live the Christian life. I thank God that He spared my life and let me live long enough to get back. There is no turning back for me now. We have three children now, and I want more than anything to have a Christian home for them. This presents another problem. My husband and I disagree on how to bring up the children. We are both pulling in different directions. I believe in teaching them to put God first in their life and to be faithful. He still can see no reason to attend every service and openly overrides me when I insist the children go.

Our marriage has significantly deteriorated over the last few years. The "church problem," as my husband put it, has moved into every aspect of our marriage. We both keep things bottled up inside and find that we can't talk things out anymore. I am ill with the children much too often. I know it's because things are not right between my husband and me.

My marriage has reached a disastrous point. My husband has given an ultimatum-I have to make a choice-him or the church. Those of you who are Christians know what a rough decision I had. I, of course, have chosen the Lord. I still love my husband with all my heart and have prayed that God would open his heart to understand the truth. I know I have to remain faithful and do what God has commanded me to do. It looks so dark sometimes, and yet I have "to press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:4). I'm so weary from being torn between my husband and the Lord.

To our young people. I want to say that God frowns on mixed marriages. In II Corinthians 6:14-15, we are taught not to become unequally yoked together. The damage done is not just to yourself, but to your husband or wife, and then to your children.

My prayer is that this article may in some way make our young people, or anyone planning to marry, marry a Christian. I can't do mine over again, but I can teach my children and others how important it is to marry a Christian and to make that home the kind the Lord intended for it to be

There seem to be so many grey areas in a relationship

Jeffrey Hamilton — Wed, 03 Sep 2025 22:30:06 +0000

Question:

Hello there,

I’ve recently gotten engaged to my boyfriend after several years of dating and have some questions regarding how we should conduct ourselves during this period of our lives, in a realistic and godly way.

I’m aware that sex is not allowed, but all the other areas regarding a relationship seem to be a “grey area” to me, which makes me very confused. To me, I would take the grey areas as "it depends" because if the Bible doesn’t explicitly state something, how can I know exactly what to do? I also don’t really understand how a couple can stay together and be happy and in love when so many things are prohibited.

Another question I have is about the sleeping situation. My fiancé and I live 30 minutes away from each other and find it very important to spend most days together. We both live at our parents’ homes, but neither has a spare room. We are very confident that sleeping next to each other will not lead to anything further and have no doubts that it would or could lead to anymore more, but is this still allowed? Sleeping next to each other to me is no more than a comfort thing!

If not, how do we go about it, as any other option seems very unsustainable and not realistic to me?

I think for me, I get confused because some couples may find it really hard to stay away from temptations and therefore shouldn’t do certain things, but other couples may not be tempted, so therefore, what do they do?

I hope you can understand where I am coming from and help me, because I'm currently distraught and confused about my questions.

Many thanks.

Answer:

Your difficulty is not that God isn't clear about how you should behave. You call them "gray areas" only because you don't like the restrictions and refuse to see that they are for your good. "They shall be My people, and I will be their God; and I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear Me always, for their own good and for the good of their children after them" (Jeremiah 32:38-39).

The truth is that 30 minutes is not that far away from each other. It is not an inconvenience for each to sleep in his or her own bed. As you noted, you are pushing for this because of the personal pleasure or comfort that you get from being close to him.

Here are reasonable boundaries:

Do nothing that will cause the other person to be sexually aroused. "But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints" (Ephesians 5:3). Neither of you should assume that just because something doesn't bother you, that it could not bother the other person. You should not be in a rush. You want this relationship to grow at its own pace. "I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or by the hinds of the field, that you do not arouse or awaken my love until she pleases" (Song of Solomon 2:7).
Do nothing that you would not do with your parents in the room. You need to maintain a sense of propriety. That is one of the things Israel lost. "Were they ashamed because of the abomination they have done? They were not even ashamed at all; they did not even know how to blush. Therefore they shall fall among those who fall; at the time that I punish them, they shall be cast down," says the LORD" (Jeremiah 6:15). Be protective of each other's honor. It is more than just not doing sexual things, but also not leaving the impression that sexual things are going on behind everyone's back. You don't want anyone getting the wrong impression about the person you are dating.
Do nothing that you would not want someone doing to your brother or sister. "Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity" (I Timothy 4:12). "Purity" is the opposite of uncleanness. It is the idea that you know you are set apart as dedicated to God, and you will not pollute what belongs to God. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God" (I Thessalonians 4:3-5).
Go out of your way to reduce the temptations faced by the other person. Love "does not behave rudely, ... does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth" (I Corinthians 13:5-6). So, don't spend time alone with each other where someone else might not be able to see you. Don't be provocative. "Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others" (Philippians 2:4).

You are making two basic mistakes. You think that if you don't find a situation sexually arousing, then your boyfriend feels the same way. You also think that because nothing bad has happened so far, it will continue not to be bad. See "How can I show my brother that it is wrong to sleep with a woman even though you aren't having sex?" Any honest person knows that if you put a boy and a girl alone in a bed, sex will eventually happen. It is what the natural instinct of the body craves.

Solomon points out the problem when he asked, "Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?" (Proverbs 6:27). You can show a hot coal all the affection you want. You can cuddle it and dote on it, and it will still burn you. Your kindness to it doesn't change its nature. How often do you hear someone say, "But I love her!" Solomon's point is that your feelings toward a girl won't change the fact that both of you have built-in desires and capabilities for sex. Trigger them, and they follow the instincts built into you.

Solomon also asked, "Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared?" (Proverbs 6:28). Using the same example of hot coal, if you walk on it, it will burn you. You can apologize and say you didn't mean to step on it, but you'll still be hurt because your intentions don't change what it is. Thus, the excuse, "But I didn't mean for it to go this far!" becomes an empty one because your intentions don't change your body's drive.

That is why Solomon concludes, "So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent" (Proverbs 6:29). Though he is talking directly about adultery, the same point is valid for fornication. When you start intentionally stirring up sexual feelings, you are never innocent when things go further than you wanted.

You need to understand that there are more sexual sins than fornication. See "The Root Cause of Sexual Sins" and "What are all the types of sexual sins?"

"I want" doesn't make something right.

Husbands and Wives

Jeffrey Hamilton — Sun, 20 Jul 2025 17:19:43 +0000

https://www.lavistachurchofchrist.org/cms/wp-content/uploads/2025/07/Husbands-and-Wives.mp3

by Raymond Warfel

Download Audio

How do I handle being engaged to a member of a denomination?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Fri, 18 Jul 2025 20:12:21 +0000

Question:

Hello,

I need your advice on my personal life. I am a born-again, baptized Christian. But I backslid for about two years. In those years, I got engaged to an unbeliever. Now I'm trying to return to Christ, and I'm not sure what to do.

She is from an Orthodox background. She is willing to read the Bible with me, attend church, etc., but she is not born again.

Any advice?

Thanks a lot in advance.

Answer:

There isn't an absolute answer to your question. There are several things to consider.

Being married to someone who is not fully following Christ is not wrong. However, it can lead to difficulties, and these things need to be discussed. Your behavior and faithfulness to Christ will be a strong deciding factor. "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior" (I Peter 3:1-2). Peter is speaking to wives, but the principles could also be applied to men. Your spouse will see you at your best and your worst. Will she see a struggling Christian who is trying to do his best, or will she see a hypocrite?

A more difficult question to assess is whether she attends with you now just to impress you, or whether she is interested in the true teachings of Christ. Is she the type to tell you what you want to hear, or does she admit when she sees things differently? Is she willing to discuss your differing religious views? In other words, is she content that you hold a stricter view of what Christianity is all about? "But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away" (I Corinthians 7:12-13). Does she try to move you away from attending services? Does she push you to do things that are against your beliefs, such as fornication (I Corinthians 15:33)? In other words, will she be a helper or a hindrance in your religious life?

Another question to discuss is how your children will be raised. Will she insist that they be baptized and attend her church? Parents who contradict each other regarding religious teachings are more likely to raise atheists than followers of either of their religions.

Ideally, as she sees your commitment to Christ, she will be motivated to join you. However, that might take a while, and often, it never happens. Are you prepared and willing to deal with the hardships that will arise from not seeing the world the same way?

Question:

Hello Mr. Hamilton,

Thank you for your response. The thing is, she is Orthodox but also believes in reincarnation. And we are involved in quite a lot of premarital sex until I tried to come back to Christ. I'm not sure if she can be considered a Christian. She enjoys reading the Bible with me and attending church. She says that gives her 'good vibes'. But I don't know if her interest extends beyond that.

If I had not put a ring on that finger, I would probably have broken up and returned to Christ. However, having put a ring on that finger, I am unsure whether I should, which is why I emailed you.

Answer:

Thus, you need to have the hard conversations about whether your marriage could actually work. Share your concerns with her, including the fact that she holds beliefs that differ from those taught in the Bible.

Given what you've said, I would not marry her unless she, of her own free will, chose to become a Christian. If you don't think that will happen, then you need to consider the questions I mentioned in my first response and decide what will best help you and your future children reach heaven.

An engagement is not a marriage. It is a commitment to get married, but the idea of an engagement is that it can be ended if the couple concludes that it won't work. This is why Joseph considered ending his engagement to Mary when he discovered she was pregnant (Matthew 1:19). Under normal circumstances, he would have been well within his rights. If you decide that a marriage to this woman would not be beneficial to your faith, then it isn't wrong to end the engagement. Just understand that this will also have its challenges.

Response:

Alright. Thanks for taking the time to answer my questions, Mr. Hamilton.

I need to pray about this. It seems like it's best to end it. But I am not going to take that decision lightly.

Question:

Hello Mr. Hamilton,

I have ended it. I feel guilty for breaking her heart and wasting two years of her time. I started the relationship with her when I was backslidden. I'm not sure what to do now. What should I do to follow Christ again fully?

Any advice is appreciated.

Answer:

I don't know much about your background, but true faith begins with a thorough understanding of what you believe in. "So faith comes from hearing, and hearing by the word of Christ" (Romans 10:17). Faith isn't real until it is put fully into practice. "For just as the body without the spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead" (James 2:26).

Why People Marry

Jeffrey Hamilton — Wed, 16 Jul 2025 21:19:51 +0000

by Morris Norman
via Sentry Magazine, Vol. 17 No. 4, 31 December 1991

Marriage is the greatest of all human contracts, save the covenant of grace. Marriages sometimes fail because those entering them are either inadequately prepared or are not sufficiently committed to the relationship. Some of the key elements of a successful marriage are careful preparation, complete commitment, determination to succeed, and mutual faith and trust. Those ignorant of what is involved in marriage are not only likely to encounter problems, but are also more likely to fail.

Marriage is an agreement between a man and a woman to live together as husband and wife, mutually accepting all of the responsibilities involved and properly accepting all the rights and privileges incident to it. It is a contract by which a home is formed.

Marriage is an agreement that is ordained of God from the beginning for the happiness of mankind. Adam said, "This is now bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh: and she shall be called woman for she was taken out of man." Moses added, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife." Centuries later, Christ repeated these principles and added, "What therefore God hath joined together let no man put asunder."

Marriage is more than a civil contract. It is over and above anything that a man and a woman may agree between themselves; it is to encompass everything that God has prescribed as binding on the man and woman entering the agreement. It is to be, in the scriptural sense, a permanent union between two personalities under God’s law and before men. Any deviation from the divinely ordained plan is to be the exception, not the rule (Matthew 19:9).

Marriage is to be the complete fusion of the hopes, possessions, and cares of both the man and the woman. "I" must be subordinate to "we." It is to be no longer "mine" but "ours." Mother and father take a secondary position. It is beautifully expressed in the following words, "Two hearts but with a single thought. Two hearts that beat as one," and, "Thus, they rejoice, and together they weep; mutually the sunshine and the shadows they share; triumphantly they tread the wine press of fate but never learn the scheme of despair." Successful marriages begin with commitment - bone-deep commitment -- a deep-down resolve to succeed.

Therefore, we must consider the marriage bond as the greatest of all human contracts because of the potential effect it has on the lives of others: the other mate, the children, and society as a whole. The failure in the home ultimately affects each member of the home and contributes to the failure of society as a whole.

Marriage is the greatest human contract because it is to endure the lifetime of the ־two involved. It is not a 36-month car loan, nor a 30-year mortgage on a house. It is a lifetime commitment to the well-being and happiness of partners and their children, reflecting the greatest responsibilities of life and the greatest form of human love.

With these basic principles in mind, let us look at why people marry:

To Find Happiness

People marry to find happiness, but often this is not what they get. An adequate home is essential to happiness. Wm. F. Ogbum said, "Happiness is a function of the family, probably more than any other social institution...Our capacity for happiness is probably determined largely by the influence af fecting us during the tender years of childhood, mainly spent in the family environment. Whether or not we find happiness in adult life is dependent in a good part on our success in mating and forming a successful family life." Happiness depends, then, to a large degree, on the kind of person we are and the kind of person we marry, resulting from a wise and considerate selection.

Social Reasons

People often marry for social reasons, seeking to achieve social status and fulfill social expectations. Social status is a means to improve our social standing, and marriage provides social approval. Even in modern society, "living together" (outside of marriage) still carries a social stigma. Even those who "live together" often intend to marry someday, if not to each other. Social expectations are being accepted by society, and this is more readily achieved in marriage. Single life often limits social involvement. Being widowed often changes one's social standing. This is the reason for singles’ bars and singles’ ministries in some churches.

Economic Reasons

People often marry for economic reasons, seeking to achieve a certain level of economic status. If this is the main reason one marries, one earns every dime of it. Our society places great emphasis on wealth. For a daughter to "marry well" often means economic security rather than marrying a man of good character. We condition our children to value economic security; as a result, money and things become important to them. God designs marriage to give economic balance to the home. The man, as the wage earner, is the supplier of the home, and the woman is the helper, sufficient as the keeper at home.

Security

People marry for security, not economic security, but emotional security —a feeling of well-being. Our quest for financial security often defeats this by taking the woman out of the home or making the man a workaholic. This can rob those in the home of that feeling of security, a closeness that can’t be bought with money. Many homes have economic security but lack emotional security.

Regeneration

People marry for regeneration, to find sufficient recreation. When there is emotional security, the home becomes an outlet for life. We must be on our "good behavior" in the world, on the job, in school, with our peers. At home, we can "let our hair down" and be ourselves to ease the tensions. This is a great way to recreate, and the activity is even more valuable when it involves the whole family. Husbands and wives should plan to spend their recreation time together. Separation in our leisure time often leads to a breakdown in the home. We are separated too much in our modern society, not having the opportunity to know each other.

Sex

People marry to satisfy biological needs, which can scripturally be fulfilled only in marriage (I Corinthians 7:1-5). Marriage has as one of its provisions to fulfill our sexual needs. Outside of marriage, it is a sin. Marriage avoids shame, disgrace, and sin.

Experience

People marry for the enlargement of life’s experiences. Dr. Paul Popenoe went so far as to say that persons who never marry live only 1/3 of life; persons who marry but do not have children live only 2/3 of life; but persons who marry and raise children live all of life. Marriage and parenthood are two of the most transformative experiences available to humanity.

Companionship

People marry for intimate relationships and to ward off loneliness. It can occur in one’s youth, when there is a lack of closeness in the home, or when a young person has left home for college or work. Soon, the excitement of "being on your own" wears off, and loneliness sets in. As a result, an early marriage is often disastrous. It can occur in old age, which can also be disastrous. It can also happen in marriage if the relationship is not quality, and divorce often results. Life can be tedious, boring, and unsatisfying if we do not develop good relationships. Then loneliness sets in. God designs marriage to supply these personal needs. No one should be neglected, from the young to the old. There is always a need for love, understanding, and moral support in all of us. Be careful to maintain the supply source for this intimate need for all family members.

This intimate relationship is to last over the lifetime of the husband and wife. Robert Browning wrote, "Grow old with me, the best is yet to be. The last of life for which the first was made." Growing old is not the attraction, but the companionship is. Because this is lost, golden wedding anniversaries may go out of vogue.

Love

Finally, people marry for love, and this should be the bottom line. Our need for love begins at birth, and we never outgrow it. This love should be supplied by loving parents right through the teenage years. As these teens grow away from the family circle, the urge to mate grows as they seek to satisfy this love in marriage. Then, this loving couple begins the cycle again by becoming loving parents.

We speak of real love that develops in four areas. Discover mutual interests during courtship (this cannot be discovered in the back seat of an automobile, where the body of the other is the primary interest). It can only be found as they discuss the second area: interests and life goals. Number three, there should be deep respect for the other’s person, to value each other’s self-esteem. And finally, there should be a marked absence of personality traits that cause irritation and quarrels or which are abusive, both verbally and physically. If there is not a good portion of the above, true love will have a hard time being nurtured.

Love answers every other reason given as to why people marry. Love brings the happiness we desire. Love satisfies all social needs. Love gives continuous contentment within the economic limits of the wage earner. Love affords the inward security of peace in life. Love offers an adequate place from the world to regenerate ourselves. Love supplies a moral outlet for our biological needs. Love realizes the enlargement of life’s experiences. Love leads to the intimate companionship we all yearn for. Love builds the character of all those involved in the experiences of love, in the give and take of this intimate relationship.

Therefore, if we marry to get, rather than to give, we will never fully realize any of these benefits in any marriage. If we ever lose sight of the fact that we are to marry to love, we will never have a quality marriage, nor will we find fulfilling happiness that God designed for marriage.

What should a husband do when his wife isn’t available for sex?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Mon, 28 Apr 2025 22:53:06 +0000

Question:

Hello Jeffery,

My wife and I have now been married for over a year, and it has been wonderful. We have, of course, already faced life's challenges, but I genuinely feel that we have overcome them only by the grace of God and the strength that the Lord gives us through His Word. We make each other laugh every day, and she is truly my friend. I am very grateful that she is my wife, and I know she has drawn me closer to God. She inspires me every day.

I am seeking guidance and advice. Previously, you advised me not to have expectations of how intercourse would go, and I am grateful for that because it certainly did not work right away. It took both of us time to experiment and figure out what we liked sexually and what worked for us. But for the past year or so, intercourse has gone well for the most part. There have been times when I was not able to get hard enough for intercourse for all kinds of reasons (not feeling physically comfortable, overthinking, not being in the moment, etc.). She was very supportive and understanding when that did happen. But for the most part, it has been wonderful. We have not limited ourselves to intercourse and have participated in oral sex as well.

What has become apparent, however, in the past month or so is that we are in a season where we have different sex drives at the moment. We have had sex only three times in the past month. We had both gotten used to having sex at least once a week, but usually 2-3 times a week. There are a couple of reasons for this: 1) The first week, she was not that interested in sex because she felt like she was fighting off a yeast infection, and told me that is why her sex drive was low. 2) She was out of town for a few days on a planned trip we had, so she was not home. 3) I flew out to meet her (we flew at separate times due to my work), and on our second night together on our trip, we had sex, which was wonderful. A few days later, she confirmed that she had a yeast infection and had to take medication that required her to not be sexually active for seven days after she had finished the medication.

It has been ten days since we last had sex. We are waiting for the seven days after she has finished with the medication, which should be in a few more days. I have not masturbated and have refrained from ejaculation thus far for two reasons: 1) I know my wife is also missing sexual intimacy and I feel like I should refrain in solidarity with her since she can't have any sexual activity; 2) I know that if I decide to masturbate and ejaculate without her, I'd feel guilty becase I'm filling my sexual needs without her. But with my sexual desire rising and seeing her naked every night in the shower, I have asked her at least twice in the past month if she could go down on me (ie, oral sex), and she has turned it down each time. We've discussed how I will always leave it up to her when I ask, because I want my wife to want to do it. This morning, I asked her if she could "take care of me" while I was on my lunch break (I've shared with her that this has been a long-held fantasy of mine, and we've discussed doing it one day). She said that her mom, who lives with us, would need to be gone, and I was admittedly disappointed, and my body language reflected that. She didn't appreciate that reaction from me, and I think rightly so. She let me know that it made her feel bad, and that she should not feel bad. Keeping Ephesians 5 in mind, I apologized for making her feel bad and for being pushy, told her that she didn't need to feel bad, and thanked her for letting me know how my actions affected her.

As I considered the events of this morning, I thought that it was ironic because if I did masturbate and ejaculate, it would lower my sexual desire and sex drive. It would help me achieve more self-control than I showed this morning. In this answer you gave in 2017 about if masturbating was lack of self-control, you said "The production of semen in a healthy male is continual, so to argue that a man ejaculating because he ran out of room to store semen and doesn't have access to his wife is somehow cheating on her is false because he will still be able to have sex when he reunites with her." So there is a part of me that tells myself that I should go ahead and control my sex drive by masturbating only when my wife is not available to me, either due to distance, illness, or when she is on her period. This part of me tells me I should deal with the realities of being male.

The other part of me is aligned with the response you gave to this question from 2006, "My wife no longer has a desire for sex. What do I do?" You said, "The real measure of a man, though, is your strength in the face of obstacles." You then go on to cite Philippians 4:11-13, with which I agree. You also mentioned that "...while our sex drive is strong, it doesn't mean it must dominate our lives. 'But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified' (I Corinthians 9:27)." This part of me is telling myself that I should control myself until I am reunited with my wife once she can have sex. I should refrain from masturbating and endure the rising sexual desires and redirect that energy elsewhere. A relationship can have non-sexual intimacy, and this part of me is trying to focus on our connection and relationship that we have that is outside of sex, which is awesome! It feels like I married my best friend. We talked about this when we were dating and engaged: We can have intimacy with each other without it having to be sexual.

However, I also know that I can focus on those aspects of non-sexual intimacy all I want, but it's not going to take away the need for ejaculation. It makes me think about when Paul says, "For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do" (Galatians 5:17).

The answer you gave in 2006 mentions that "Even if it (sexual activity) is not possible, the male body will take care of itself through nocturnal emissions." I can't remember the last time I had a wet dream. I have no idea how long I would have to go without ejaculating before I would have one, if I can have them at all. I also think that once we have kids, that is going to change things as far as how often we have sexual intimacy. And even when she is pregnant, she may not want to have sex. I know that also, women generally tend to need several weeks, if not longer, after they give birth. If I don't masturbate during these times, I may end up finding out how long it takes for me to have a wet dream during that time, though I know I'm going to go crazy.

What my questions come down to is this: Should a husband listen to his body and control his sexual desires by masturbating and ejaculating when his wife is not available for sexual activity? Or should he refrain for however long it takes for a wet dream to occur so that it becomes an involuntary act, or for his wife to be up for sexual activity again?

I know you may not have a clear "yes" or "no" answer for me, but any guidance or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Answer:

I think you missed the point in "My wife no longer has a desire for sex. What do I do?" I pointed out that all men spend a period of their lives not having sexual intercourse, and they manage to survive it. During those times, men ejaculate through wet dreams or masturbation. These are not as thrilling as sexual intercourse, but they do keep the sex drive under control. Thus, if he was able to do it in the past, he can use the same techniques at present when his wife is unable to desire sex. The biggest danger is that men often will get caught up in lust and pornography because they start chasing the pleasure instead of seeing this as taking care of the need. It is this aspect of your body that needs to be brought under control.

For example, if your wife wasn't available to cook, you would not assume you need to go without eating to demonstrate how much you love her cooking. The body's needs should be managed appropriately without letting them dominate your life. Going without eating would likely result in you losing your self-control as you become more desperate to eat. In the same way, trying to tough it out without ejaculating could lead to a loss of self-control.

I'm unable to tell you what your limits might be. I'm only suggesting that if you are finding your self-control slipping, then you need to manage your body by relieving yourself.

One of the difficulties husbands and wives have is assuming that the other person sees the situation in the same way. While women enjoy sex, they don't have a physical component to their sexual desire. Many women can do without sex for long periods, so they don't understand why men don't act the same. Conversely, men have a strong desire for sex when their seminal vesicles get full. If wet dreams don't happen (and not every man has wet dreams), that desire rises until instinct takes over. They don't understand why their wives don't see how desperate they are to ejaculate, and so they blame their wives for not caring. What is needed is some open discussions about your views of sex and your frequency of need. "The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. But this I say by way of concession, not of command" (I Corinthians 7:3-6).

There are ways to have sexual intimacy that do not require intercourse. Discuss with your wife what the two of you can do when you need relief. You are correct that there will always be times when your wife will not be available for sex: trips, illness, exhaustion, etc. The practical solution is to manage your needs just enough to get through those periods. What you want to avoid is using masturbation as a way to avoid your duty to your spouse.

One last point: you mention not wanting to make your wife feel bad. No husband should set out to make his wife unhappy. However, people are people. There will be times when your wife makes a poor choice, and you'll be disappointed. Open communication is necessary to convey your perspective on the situation. It must be worded gently and with proper concern, but hiding your feelings about the matter or pretending that you are fine with a bad choice is not good for a marriage.

Testing the State of Your Union

Jeffrey Hamilton — Thu, 06 Feb 2025 18:55:58 +0000

Source: Sentry Magazine, Vol. 14, No. 3, September 30, 1988.

According to a recent study by the University of New York (at Stoney Brook), the following factors may be regarded as "predictors" of marital failure. If a number of these circumstances exist, then it can be assumed that the marriage will end in divorce.

You lived together before marriage.
Before marriage, and in the first 18 months of your marriage, you slapped your partner in anger.
The male partner frequently refuses to engage in sex.
You married either before you were 23 or after the age of 25. (Interestingly, marriages in the low to mid-twenties seem to be more stable.)
You have thought seriously about divorce as an alternative.
You often yell at your partner in anger.
One of you has a drinking problem.
You communicate poorly in your marriage.
One of you felt uncertainty about your love even before your marriage.

The presence of these "predictors" does not mean that a marriage will end in divorce, but where several exist, a divorce will likely result.

Why I Believe We Should Still Marry and Bring Children into the World

Jeffrey Hamilton — Wed, 11 Oct 2023 15:00:25 +0000

by Terry Wane Benton

Is having children too risky? Seeing that the majority will end up lost, I have seen a number of faithful Christians lose their children to the world.

Answer:

That is a pretty defeatist way of viewing things. When was it not risky? I’ve seen people, who go at it already prepared to be defeated, get what they prepared for -- defeat. But it seems that the Christian ought to feel more confident that “greater is He who is in us, than he that is in the world” (I John 4:4).

Do we let the darkness that is in the world totally drown out the light that should be in us? I can’t see that the darkness in the world should be allowed to be greater than the glorious and marvelous light that is in us. (See II Corinthians 4:4-16; I Peter 2:8-9).

Shouldn’t we at least, of all people, believe that since God is seeking godly offspring, with His help, we are able to work with Him to have them, enjoy them, and share our internal light with them? (Malachi 2:15). Are we not in a great position to give godly offspring?

Where was this pessimism that Paul had in his world that was probably worse in many ways than ours? What was in him that gave him such a positive outlook? I wonder if God is disappointed in us for not learning what Paul knew when we could read and learn all he knew (Ephesians 3:3-5).

Of all the people in the world, our light inside should be something we want to share, and little souls are such that we can help mold into lights in this dark world. The world needs more lights, not less, and we need to share the “marvelous light” with little souls who are open to learning it. There is a risk that some souls will rebel and go into darkness despite our best efforts, but giving them a chance to know Jesus and know the way to heaven is more than worth the risk that they could still resist the Spirit and be lost.

Each soul is precious and is accountable for himself. Not giving a soul a chance to see the light of Jesus Christ, enjoy that marvelous light in this dark world, and forever live with the brightness of His glory, is a dark form of pessimism that should concern us more than the possibility of having a child who goes astray from the light you try hard to share with him.

Did I sin against my husband by not telling him when I was ovulating?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Sat, 07 Oct 2023 18:27:34 +0000

Question:

If you feel like you may have sinned against your spouse years ago, but they don’t know about it, do you have to tell them now? I feel like I should give the backstory because no, it’s not adultery.

We were going for our second baby and he wanted a boy and I wanted a girl. I had read about this possible method that could “supposedly” sway the sex of your baby based on the timing of intercourse. The closer to ovulation you had intercourse, the more likely it was to be a boy. Slightly further away from ovulation, more likely to be a girl. My husband also knew about this method, as we tried it with our first baby (we both wanted a boy first) but it didn’t work. With our second, he still wanted a boy but I wanted to give our daughter a sister. I decided I wanted to try out that method again for some reason, but since I was the only one keeping up with my ovulation, I didn’t tell him and he didn’t know what the timing was. And we ended up having a girl. I sort of feel silly because it very likely didn’t have anything whatsoever to do with that “method” since it didn’t even work the first time we tried, but maybe it did, and I still feel guilty because I didn’t let him know.

I’m still not sure if that was a sin or not but part of me feels like it was, and I have prayed for forgiveness. But do I also have to tell him what I did? We’re trying for our third now and we both want a boy this time, so it has been on my mind more.

Answer:

If your husband wanted to know where you were in your cycle, he could simply ask. Besides, most husbands have a rough idea of where their wives are in their cycles since mood swings and menstruation are noticeable.

As you noted, while the theory is that timing can influence the odds of gender, there is no guarantee. There will always be a chance that the child will be a boy or a girl. While you might have pushed the odds in the direction you wanted, there was no guarantee as your first child proved.

You didn't do anything wrong.

How do I deal with my rising sexual tension before marriage?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Tue, 08 Aug 2023 22:22:23 +0000

Question:

Hello Jeffrey,

First of all, thank you for all the work and efforts you have put into the site, Growing Up in the Lord for Boys. Even though I'm in my mid to late 20s, I really appreciate the answers that you give, and how you give your answers a God-focused perspective, while also dealing with the frank realities of being male.

As of this writing, I am just a few months away from being married to my fiancée and best friend. We have been engaged for just under a year and have been together for over two years. We will both be virgins on our wedding night. We have both been stubborn about keeping ourselves pure before marriage. This led to us not even kissing until I proposed to her. Even now, when we do kiss, we keep it under a few seconds and never longer. When we do sit close together on the couch, we are mindful of where we place our hands. We keep it limited to hugs and hand-holding. Sometimes I do place my hand on her thigh, but I never let my hand get anywhere beyond that.

It was recommended to us that we read the book "The Art of Marriage". Reading this book has been instructive when thinking about the emotional and physical aspects of the sexual relationship in marriage. However, after reading some of the book separately, we realized that we were limited in what we could talk about together regarding the book before marriage. This is because so much of the sexual aspect of marriage you learn by doing.

I've confided to my fiancée that while the book has been instructive, it is rather frank in talking about sex, and I have struggled with keeping my thoughts under control. I have been sporadic in reading it in order to keep myself from fantasizing about what sex will be like with my fiancée once we are married. There is a chapter in the book that has recommendations and guides on the wedding night and that first sexual encounter, how to bring a woman to orgasm, what her clitoris is, how to stimulate it, etc. It also includes the pros and cons of a few sexual positions, plus a lot of other information as well. When it comes to ejaculating, I'm one of those guys who can't remember the last time I had a wet dream. I think I started masturbating and bringing myself to ejaculation before I ever had enough of a buildup to even have a wet dream.

I will say, there have been a couple of nights recently where she has been at my house (her mother is always at the house with us, so we are never alone) and we were both feeling passionate and attracted to each other, but we didn't act on anything. Like I said, we keep it limited to just a few seconds-long kisses and hugs, and sitting close together on the couch. We also are very honest with each other and tell each other if something becomes "too much" for the other.

Between reading about what sexual life will be like once I'm married, plus being really attracted to my fiancée, I find myself thinking about sex a lot, which increases my sexual arousal and gets my "engine" going. There have been a couple of times where I do masturbate and ejaculate after she has left and gone home. What do you think about this? When I do masturbate I try not to think about her specifically, because even though she is my fiancé, we are still not married yet, and it would be wrong to be using her specifically in any fantasies. I am mindful of verses, like Song of Solomon 2:7, that talk about not stirring up or awakening love until it pleases. I fight against fantasizing about what sex will be like with my fiancée, and I do try to keep it to just thinking about what sex would be like once I'm married. I try to keep it as generalized as possible.

Do you think it is okay in my situation while engaged and just a few months shy of being married, to use masturbation a few times a week as a way to ejaculate and take the edge off of my heightened sexual arousal before being married? Do you have any advice on how to manage my "thought life", specifically while engaged to be married?

I am looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

Answer:

I suspect the book you are reading is The Act of Marriage by Tim LaHaye. It is a decent book, one that my wife and I read before our marriage, but I have found some of the recommendations to be inaccurate. I found Love Life by Ed Wheat to be better.

When I do marriage preparation classes, one of the topics I cover is that sexual temptations rise before a wedding. Not only is there the approaching excitement of having sex for the first time that raises your arousal levels but there are temptations, such as "If we jump the gun, no one will know if we have sex just before the wedding." Of course, God knows but you and your fiance also know. Giving into those sorts of temptations will plant seeds of doubt that may start growing later in a marriage. You have the right idea that you have to stick to your commitment to not let anything even start you down the path of sin.

One of the traps to avoid is thinking that you need to perform intercourse perfectly. You and your future wife are totally inexperienced so that is an unrealistic expectation. Aim to have fun and enjoy time moment (and the mistakes). Learning about what is expected in sex is good to avoid causing unnecessary hardships or pain. I'm finding it necessary to discuss these matters because too many guys have seen pornography and think sex is supposed to be like porn -- it isn't. The fornication shown in pornography is about selfish behavior. The act of intercourse in a marriage is a giving behavior.

However, thinking about what is coming up does stir sexual passions. Such are hard to avoid. As you noted, Song of Solomon brings up the problems of daydreaming about sex (Song 2:5-7), dealing with sexual desire (Song 2:16-17), and even dreams of sex (Song 3:1-5). The struggle to maintain pure thoughts is real and an important battle to fight. By the way, it isn't really the books that are causing the issue. Even without the books, the struggle would remain because of the knowledge that your opportunity to have sex with your wife is coming closer.

For males, ejaculating does keep the physical parts of sexual desire under control. There is no reason to stop what works for you prior to your wedding night. As you are noticing, it will not interfere with your ability to have sex on your wedding night since your body regenerates semen rapidly when you are aroused.

In regards to thoughts, all I can suggest is that you avoid thinking about sexual acts when you are relieving yourself. Of course, your thoughts will be gravitating toward your intended -- that is natural. However, you don't want to create expectations that are not likely to be met when you actually do have sex. When a guy is highly wound up sexually, he can ejaculate without thinking about anything in particular.