Preteen – La Vista Church of Christ

Parental Sex Education

Jeffrey Hamilton — Mon, 01 Jun 2026 13:36:37 +0000

by Matthew Bassford
via Truth Magazine, 9 September 2016

A few weeks ago, my family and I were on the way home from Wednesday night Bible study when the topic of conversation turned to pregnancy. Marky was being his usual loopy two-hours-past-bedtime self and asked, “When will Mr. Josh get a baby in his belly?”

My wife answered, “Boys don’t get babies in their bellies.”

To this, Zoë replied, “But boys help with babies with their sperm cells.” Bear in mind that Zoë is five. As Lauren reached out and grabbed my arm hard, I inquired about the source of this unexpected knowledge. It turned out that Zoë had been reading her Usborne encyclopedia of the human body, and it, well, enlightened her about it. I explained to her that she was precisely correct and that it was good to talk about such things with family, but not with other people. Since then, we’ve had a couple of similar conversations, most notably about test-tube babies.

I admit I wasn’t expecting the subject to come up in 2015, but I was expecting it to. Sooner or later, nearly all children are going to get curious and ask their parents about some sex-related subject. Many Christian parents live in fear of that day, and when it arrives, their first inclination is to shut down the conversation so hard that it never comes up again.

As much as we prefer such a response, it’s simply not a godly reaction. Unbelievers will frequently accuse Christians of having all kinds of hangups about sex. We’d all be much happier, they say, if we stopped following the outmoded sexual ethics of the Bible.

The actual problem, though, is not the Bible. It’s the neo-Victorian prudery that has led countless Christians to confuse “sexual immorality is bad” with “sex is bad” and conclude, “Since sex is bad, we shouldn’t talk about it.” Instead, such Christians spend all their time outside the marriage bed pretending that the act that made all of us doesn’t exist.

This attitude toward sex would have been impossible in the rural societies of Bible times. Any child who grows up on a farm will see cattle, chickens, and horses copulating hundreds of times. In that setting, pretending that sex doesn’t exist is about like pretending that the sky doesn’t exist.

The authors of the Bible don’t even attempt such a pretense. The Scripture is never vulgar, but in the Old Testament, it is often quite explicit. Texts such as Genesis 1:28 emphasize the procreative function of sex, but other passages highlight the importance of sexual pleasure in marriage. Song of Solomon explores the sexual yearnings of both men (Song of Solomon 7:7-8) and women (Song of Solomon 5:15-16). God’s message is never that nice girls don’t. It is when the time is right, nice girls do, and do enthusiastically.

We see both halves of Biblical sexuality displayed in Proverbs 5:15-23. This passage combines the familiar Biblical condemnation of adultery with an unequivocal endorsement of sexual fulfillment in marriage. Solomon could hardly have been clearer than when he writes, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be exhilarated with her love” (Proverbs 5:18-19 NASB). Note that in context, Solomon is addressing his son. This is the way that God thinks parents should teach children about sex.

Throughout Scripture, in both the New and Old Testaments, sex is presented as a positive good. There are many warnings about sexual immorality, but that doesn’t make the Bible anti-sex, any more than a stop sign is anti-driving. In both cases, the goal is to protect and enhance an activity, not to prohibit it. Too often, though, the message that Christian parents send to their children is “Not this,” rather than the Scriptural “This!” Any discussion of the issue beyond “Don’t” doesn’t happen.

This poses a serious problem for those children. Whether we want to believe it or not, the vast majority of our children are one day going to become sexual beings. They will have sexual curiosity. They will have sexual impulses. If we don’t satisfy that curiosity and teach our children how to channel those impulses, we are doing nothing less than surrendering the initiative to the devil. We might not have a plan for how we want to handle our children’s sexuality, but Satan certainly does! He will gladly use TV, the Internet, and peers to teach our children a corrupt, ungodly view of sex, and this process begins much earlier than we would prefer to believe. If you find yourself wondering if this includes your children, the answer is almost certainly “Yes.”

Sometimes, the devil’s handiwork reveals itself in children rebelling against parental teaching. In a society as sexually saturated as ours is (funny how nobody seems satisfied with it, though!), appeals to lust and sexual immorality are never far away. Many children of godly parents succumb to them.

More subtly, the devil is capable of working his will in children (usually young women) who internalize their parents’ negative message about sex. It’s not hard to imagine a girl who grows up hearing that sex is dirty and evil, accepts that, and does a wonderful job of avoiding sexual sin until she gets married. What’s going to happen, though, when she says her vows and discovers that something she believes is dirty and evil is now part of her divinely ordained obligations to her husband? That’s the kind of thing that can mar a marriage for decades.

As the saying goes, failure to plan is planning to fail. We’re responsible for bringing up our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. If we neglect to declare the whole counsel of God to our children in an area as important as their sexuality, we’re actually neglecting our responsibility to God.

Rather than surrendering the initiative to the devil, we need to seize it and hold on to it. We should adopt God’s goals for our children’s sexuality and work to achieve those goals through the presentation of Scripture and the application of Scriptural principles. This is certainly a private, delicate matter, and we should handle it privately and delicately, but we should never allow our desire for privacy to become an excuse for fear.

I don’t enjoy talking about test-tube babies with my five-year-old daughter, exactly. I don’t exactly look forward to the considerably more explicit conversations I imagine I’ll have with my son. However, I want to have those conversations because I want to be the source that teaches them about sex. They’re going to learn from somebody, and I’d rather have that somebody be me than anybody else.

How do I deal with my daughter asking questions about homosexuality?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Thu, 12 Mar 2026 01:19:49 +0000

Question:

Hi Jeff,

Over the last few months, the topic of homosexuality has come up between my twins, who are almost 12 years old. They are male and female twins. My daughter has asked questions about homosexuality. She says that some of her friends claim that they are "gay" and hold hands in school. I've had a casual conversation about how she can discuss with them how God thinks it's wrong. I also explained that their parents might not teach them, and they may just be trying to be trendy with today's world views. I didn't go too deep into the conversation, but we talked about what God says about homosexuality, and I told her that it is a choice to engage in things like that.

The other day, my son, in a joking tone, said something to her like, "Well, aren't you gay?" Mean, I know, and I told him not to joke like that, but I keep an eye on their Internet use. I saw that she is looking up content on lesbian and gay material. There are blocks on certain sites, but there always seems to be a workaround that allows them to still access them.

My question is, how should I approach a conversation about this, as I think she feels she is interested in other girls? It may be due to peer pressure from friends, general attraction, or something else, but I wish to teach her the importance of this. Is she possibly just going through "changes" in her life, sorting out new feelings, and learning how to deal with them? Should I address it now or wait until later? I have no problem with addressing the issue, but I am curious about how my wife or I should approach something like this, given that she is so young.

Thanks.

Answer:

For a girl, she is not "so young." On average, girls begin puberty about a year before boys do. The average time to begin changing for girls is 10 to 11 years old. Thus, it is time for you or your wife, or both of you, to sit down and start teaching her about what God has said about sex. You can use the material I've written (Growing Up in the Lord for Teenage Girls) or material from some other author. Just make sure that the topics are thoroughly covered with plenty of scripture citations to back up the points. Essentially, this sort of problem is best dealt with through information. Don't approach it by telling her what she must believe; rather, guide her in discovering what God said on the matter and why God is right. It takes the excitement and mystique out of the topic. Putting off discussing these matters will only make her interest in the subject a habit over time.

For a boy, the average time to begin changing is 11-12 years old. Typically, boys are curious about the subject of sex, but don't show a strong interest until they reach the time they start having ejaculations. Thus, you may have a few more years before you need to have discussions with your son. However, it wouldn't hurt to have a "light" discussion with him now, and to review and dig deeper into the topic when he gets older.

Response:

Jeffrey,

Thank you for the quick response and information. I've always enjoyed your answers, and your scriptural knowledge is so encouraging. May God continue to bless you and the work that you do.

Little Johnny Is Not Paying Attention

Jeffrey Hamilton — Sat, 20 Dec 2025 18:46:06 +0000

by Brad Harrub, Ph.D.

I am going to say something firmly—then I am going to back it up with facts: Stop allowing your smartphones, iPads, or TV to babysit your young children! It’s affecting their spiritual (and secular) education. Yes, some of the content is pure evil or trash—but that lesson is for another day—consider for a moment what it’s doing to “Little Johnny’s” attention span.

Parents and teachers everywhere are noticing the same troubling trend: it’s getting harder to teach young people. Satan has succeeded in raising up a generation of quick sound-bite/video reel young people who don’t want to sit and learn Biblical principles. Lessons that once held their focus now compete against a world of constant swipes, flashes, and screens. And the data is sobering.

A 2025 report suggested that the average human attention span has dropped from 12 seconds in 2000 to just over 8 seconds today (Centre for Inquiry, 2025). Another analysis warns that screen-based focus now often resets in under 60 seconds (NetStudies, 2025). Studies also show that heavy screen exposure—TV, video games, and mobile media—is strongly linked to attention problems in children (EurekAlert, 2025).

We are raising a generation conditioned to quick hits of excitement rather than deep thinking. That makes true spiritual instruction—slow, thoughtful, heart-shaping teaching—much more challenging.

But not impossible. But we need to wake up and realize what Satan is doing.

When attention spans become so short, serious teaching — the kind that molds hearts, builds biblical worldview, and forms character — becomes much harder.

Spiritual maturity and sound doctrine rarely come from memes, 15-second clips, or quick takes. They come from deep digging of the Scriptures, of theology, of honest heart-searching.
Training disciples, encouraging perseverance, forming moral fiber — these demand sustained attention, contemplation, and follow-through.
But if a child’s brain — or heart — has been rewired to expect instant gratification and constant novelty, then the slow, sometimes uncomfortable process of transformation may be met with restlessness, distraction, or resignation.

Paul reminds us:

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2).

Transformation takes time, focus, and attention. And we must help our children reclaim those skills.

How We Can Strengthen Young Minds:

Limit and Structure Screen Time

When I say don’t let screens babysit your children, I am not talking about an occasional break. I’m talking to parents who allow their kids access to screens for multiple hours every day. Research consistently links excessive media use to reduced attention capacity (EurekAlert, 2025). Screens are not evil, but they must be controlled. Build in tech-free hours for reading, chores, conversation, and outdoor play.

Teach in Short, Varied Segments

Because many young people struggle to sit still for long periods, break lessons into 10–15 minute blocks with discussion or activity in between. Short segments stack into deeper learning over time.

Encourage Deep Reading and Reflection

Long-form reading—Scripture especially—stretches attention and strengthens the mental “muscles” required for spiritual growth. Slowly walking through a psalm or a parable trains a mind that has become used to rapid-fire content.

Model Focus Yourself

Stop and ask yourself what your children see you doing as parents. Are you constantly glued to a screen? Children imitate what they see. When they observe adults reading, praying, studying, and engaging without distractions, they learn that real maturity is not instant—it’s intentional.

Use Technology as a Tool, Not a Teacher

A video can capture attention, but real learning happens in conversation, in Scripture, in honest application. Use media to open the door, then move their hearts to something deeper.

A Word of Encouragement:

If you’re a weary parent or Bible class teacher, don’t give up. God has entrusted you with shaping minds and hearts—work that takes patience in an impatient world.

Even small, consistent efforts matter—a nightly prayer, a chapter read together, a real conversation without phones buzzing. These moments accumulate into spiritual maturity.

Attention spans may be shrinking, but God can still enlarge hearts. And He can use you—faithfully, steadily—to guide a distracted generation back to truth that lasts longer than eight seconds.

Education’s Stance Against Boys

Jeffrey Hamilton — Sun, 01 Jun 2025 20:02:33 +0000

Source: Brian Mark Weber, "Boys and Young Men Are Hurting," The Patriot Post, 30 May 2025.

“School has changed in ways that favor girls, and work has changed in ways that favor women. Boys are often seen as troublemakers, and men have heard that masculinity is ‘toxic.’”

"Schools have become hostile to boys, forcing them to act, think, and learn in ways that are antithetical to their nature. For one, the nature of boys to be more fidgety and playful is now viewed as a disease requiring medication or at least some type of intervention to stop them from being who they are."

"Boys are naturally impulsive, risk-taking, and physical in their behavior."

“By most measures, the well-being of boys has been declining for quite a while. Educational achievement has been going down, suicide is on the rise, and men are less likely to enter the workforce and rise up the ladder than in the past."

"The rising rejection of feminism among young men is almost certainly linked to growing feelings that American society has become more hostile to men. In 2019, less than one-third of young men reported that men experienced some or a lot of discrimination in American society. Only four years later, close to half (45 percent) of young men now believe men are facing gender-based discrimination. For some young men, feminism has morphed from a commitment to gender equality to an ideology aimed at punishing men.”

"The glory of young men is their strength, and the honor of old men is their gray hair" (Proverbs 20:29).

Is it normal for an eight-year-old boy to be touching himself?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Wed, 22 Feb 2023 17:44:40 +0000

Question:

We have custody of an 8-year-old boy. During the first six years of his life, he was exposed to drugs, sex, filthy language, compulsive lying, and a lot of antisocial behavior from his mother and other adults in his life.

He frequently puts his hands down his pants out in the open, and I have gone into his room and witnessed him with his pants down and kneeling on the bed. He jumped up real fast when I came in. There have been other instances when I come in and he also jumps up really fast as if he’s doing something he shouldn’t. He has engaged in some filthy talk at school a couple of times which we have handled.

Having said all that, his behavior has progressively been getting better, but as we expected, it is a slow process with setbacks at times. We are working with him on respect for others, putting others before himself, getting along with and picking good friends, etc. When he gets out of line, he is lovingly, but firmly disciplined. He is being raised up in the church and enjoys reading his Bible and going to Bible study.

Is it normal for an 8-year-old to be fondling himself on a regular basis at his age?

Answer:

Given his background, it is possible that he was sexually abused. Such makes a boy aware of sexual acts earlier than usual and with the approaching changes, he is going to have strong conflicting emotions. I’ve seen boys in these sorts of situations act out in seemingly random ways because they don’t know how to handle their memories and feelings.

But in regards to your question, the genitals give even little boys pleasurable feelings, though they are mild compared to the feelings after he starts developing. What he is likely doing is calming himself (without realizing it) by doing something that feels good. While it doesn’t frequently happen because most boys are discouraged from doing this, he didn’t have that feedback. At this point, I would try a calm, reasoned approach. “Honey, I know that it feels good, but it isn’t proper to touch your private areas when other people are around.” After the explanation, boys best respond with short reminders: “Hands out.”

All of this is assuming that he is not experiencing precocious puberty (showing outward signs of changing before the age of nine).

I caught my 8-year-old son looking at homosexual porn

Jeffrey Hamilton — Tue, 21 Feb 2023 21:26:12 +0000

Question:

Recently I discovered my 8-year-old son had been looking up gay porn. He was very honest when I confronted him. He told me he started looking at these images two years ago. I am devastated that I did not protect him from porn in general but the male search made it ten times harder to swallow. I gave him access to a phone and iPad with no restrictions. I just handed him the world thinking he is 8 and I had nothing to worry about. I am deeply saddened by my lack of protection over my baby.

I discovered the searches due to an inappropriate image he sent to his friends. With further digging, I found him looking up "hot naked males', and specific celebrity men naked or videos of the male celebrities engaging in sex, some of which was with other men. He says he got it from his father who ignorantly and not factually tells him what's gay. His dad tells him "that's gay!" when he exhibits feminine behavior. My son is also quick to say "no homo" anytime he says something normal yet it sounds "suspect." This "what is and what's not gay" prompted him to do his own research and he landed in gay porn.

His father is not as involved as he could be and I fear that my softness may have rubbed off on my son -- a typical single mother's fear. I wanted to take him to speak with someone as I recognize puberty is around the corner and his body is developing quickly right now. It might just be curiosity about his own body that has him looking at such images. However, in today's time, I feared a therapist would push his confused feelings (he never said he felt anything) or possible attraction to men instead of leading him by the word of God. I was also unsure if this was, in fact, boy behavior. Is he now curious about his own body parts? He has mentioned female celebrities he thinks are pretty. But all in all, I'm just so confused.

I made the mistake of shunning my son, yelling, and telling him he would go to hell. I was in shock. I know that it is not true, that being gay is a sin no greater or less than lying and stealing. Could he be gay? Is this typical boy behavior? How do I guide him away from this? I have restricted absolutely everything, no internet on his phone, parental control on TVs, limited time on electronics, and more quality time with me. My fear is that for two years he has been exposed. How do I redirect him, how do I course correct to prevent him from falling into the gay trap that has become acceptable in today's time?

Also, I found your website today, and the relief I had reading related articles and your biblical backup. It gave me hope that my son was not destined to be gay. Thank you for your work.

Answer:

I know you are justly concerned about your son, but you need to also remember that panic and rash choices will not lead to good decisions. "There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing" (Proverbs 12:18).

You can't roll back the clock but you can make the future better.

First, we need to cut the source of the problem. You won't be available to constantly monitor everything he does, so safeguards need to be put into place. On most computer systems today there are parental controls that you can turn on. You set up your son with his own account, but you place controls on the account, such as when your son can use the computer and for how long. Search for "parental controls" for your particular system.

Even if you perfectly control his access at home, he will be at school and with friends where those controls won't be available, so the second tier to handling this problem is to teach him what is bad behavior.

Homosexuality is a sin, just like stealing or lying. It is not an innate trait in a person. Thus, I doubt that your boy has been having sex with other boys. His curiosity led him to look at inappropriate things. Thus, he needs to be calmly and clearly given guidance as to what is good and bad behavior. Treat this as you would profanity. Tell him at certain behaviors or certain phrases are not polite. If he asks why, explain to him what the behavior or the phrase means in simple terms.

However, knowing what is wrong is inadequate without also knowing what is right. You need to find a trusted older male to start teaching him about his sexuality. As you know, I've written a book on the topic which can be used as a guide in the discussion. The book is directed toward older boys, but the early chapters can be covered now and then more of the book can be discussed as he gets older and understands more.

Response:

Thank you so much for your quick response and for the work you are doing. I’ll be using your book as a reference and working to control my own emotions while trying to guide my son. This was a tough situation, but I know we will get through!

Setting Boundaries

Jeffrey Hamilton — Sat, 10 Dec 2022 15:57:32 +0000

by Jeffrey W. Hamilton

Text: Ephesians 6:1-4

I. We live in a country that is founded on the ideas of freedom and liberty

A. Yet we don’t live in society without any restraints. We have laws, rules, regulations, expectations

B. It is the very laws that we have which gives us our freedom

1. How? One of my memories of the Philippines is the intersections. They were places of mass chaos as everyone tried to cross at the same time. There were no rules governing the behavior of traffic. In a small town, it would take a half-hour to an hour to cross just because of the intersections.

2. Compare that to our large town where we can whiz to most any place in less than a half-hour. How is it that traffic flows so smoothly most of the time? It is because of the rules.

C. Yet, when it comes to raising children we don’t take notice. We see the lack of restraint as a benefit, never guessing at the harm it can do.

II. Examples from the Old Testament

A. Eli

1. Eli’s sons were a disaster - I Samuel 2:12

a. They took what they wanted from the offerings to God

b. If someone refused, they threatened to take what they wanted by force

2. Even when warned Eli did not rebuke his sons - I Samuel 3:13

3. Oh, he talked with them - I Samuel 2:22-25

4. You see Eli never followed up on his scolding.

a. His sons behavior required punishment by death according the Law

b. Their refusal to listen alone carried the death penalty - Deuteronomy 21:18-21

c. Yet Eli, as the high priest, continued to allow his sons to serve as priests.

B. David

1. David had two sons who tried to overthrow his kingship.

2. In discussing the second attempt we learn how David raised his sons - I Kings 1:6

C. A modern example - read article from Boston Globe, December 13, 2001

D. A child who gets his own way brings shame - Proverbs 29:15

III. Everyone needs rules

A. Ephesians 6:4 - grow your children in the discipline and admonition of the Lord

1. Admonition - advice, teaching, rebukes

2. Discipline - training by encouragement and punishment

a. Example: Hebrews 12:5-12

B. Too often parents give in to the demands of a child because it is easier than having a row on their hands.

1. Perhaps they feel guilty about their child’s life and hope to buy their favor.

2. Love for a child means seeing to their proper training. It doesn’t mean being loved by the child because at times they will not like the training - Hebrews 12:11

a. How many adults like being tight on cash? But it forces us to learn to manage our money.

b. Learning to grow up is understanding you don’t get your way all the time

IV. Proper discipline

A. Too often parents mistake yelling for discipline

1. From John Rosemond, “On a number of occasions over the past year or so, I’ve had occasion to watch some of these pretenders [of strict discipline], be “strict” with their children. Here’s a composite example of how they corrupt the term:

“Rambo! Give me that!”

(Rambo, age 7, acts oblivious)

“Rambo! Did you hear me !?!”

“Yes.”

“Well?”

“I’m just playing with it.”

“I don’t care. Give it to me. It’s not a toy.”

“But Mom!”

“No! Give it to me.”

“Just let me play with it for a while. Please.”

“No! Now!” (Mom holds her hand out, expectantly.)

(Rambo jerks the “toy” back, away from Mom’s hand.”

“Rambo! Give me that! Now!”

I think you get the picture. This game of “Here We Go ‘Round the Mulberry Bush” may go on for two or three minutes before Mom wins.

2. What should have happened?

a. Mom should have asked to the object and as soon as he acted oblivious, she should have lowered the boon.

(1) Off to the room for a hour or two, or a spanking

(2) Plus a loss of some privilege.

b. The child may scream, yell, or whatever, but Mom doesn’t need to justify her judgment. A wrong was done. A punishment came as the result. - Proverbs 23:13-14 (rod here means a switch)

c. She shouldn’t feel guilty, nor does she need to get angry. It is a fact that children will misbehave and punishments are needed to correct the misbehavior

B. Too often parents are strict part of the time

1. Children will push the limits.

a. Some learn they will not always be punished and they gamble that perhaps this time they will get away with something

b. Like a gambler, despite the fact that they lose far more than they win, they win just often enough to believe they are beating the system.

c. From John Rosemond, “An undisciplined child is a compulsive gambler as well. The parents of one such 7-year-old girl – I’ll call her JoJo – recently asked me how to ‘cure’ their daughter’s chronic disobedience. In response to an instruction of any sort, JoJo would pretend not to have heard or simply refuse to comply! Typically, she’d stomp her foot and yell something defiant, as in “No! I’m busy right now!” JoJo’s parents told me they “always” made her sit in the “thinking chair” for five minutes when these incidents occurred. “Always?” I asked incredulous. “Well,” her mother said, “all right, not always, but most of the time. I mean, we try to be consistent, but you know, it’s hard.”

d. Even if little JoJo was sent to the chair 7 out of 10 times, even though she is not beating the system in reality, she gets just enough rewards to think it is worth the gamble.

e. Where a gambler eventually runs out of money, a child never runs out of mischief - Proverbs 22:15

C. Then there is the problem of inconsistency between words and action

1. A parent who says if you do that again, I’m going to ...

2. The child does it again, and all he gets is another warning.

3. A parent must mean what he says. He must always be truthful - Matthew 5:37

4. By the same token, a parent must never threaten what cannot be carried out. “If you do that again, I’ll knock your head off.”

a. Hopefully it is just an expression, but even if your child knows you don’t really mean it, think what you are saying!

b. You threaten great harm, but it can be taken as a joke?

c. You tell lies, but that is all right?

D. When you give a rule, decide in advance what the consequence should be.

1. Trying to make up something on the fly rarely works well.

2. Arbitrary punishments can seem just as inconsistent as arbitrary application.

V. As a child matures, the restrictions must be released

A. Not totally removed. But they need to be appropriate for the age of the child.

1. A one-year-old shouldn’t climb on a chair, but I often use a chair to reach a light bulb.

2. The restrictions might change. I might allow a young boy to spend the night at a friend’s house – even if she happens to be girl, but I would refuse to let a teenager do the same thing.

B. A child who shows responsibility can be given more freedom, but they should know that the freedom comes with responsibility.

1. A child needs to learn how to make choices, so allow choices that will not make a difference at the moment.

2. Make them stick to the choice to ensure a well-considered decision.

3. Allow them to make some bad choices that does not cause great or lasting harm.

VI. If you have started off wrong, the best time to correct your direction is now.

When do I start talking to my boys about nudity, puberty, growth, and sexual issues?

Jeffrey Hamilton — Wed, 20 Jul 2016 01:49:00 +0000

Question:

Hello,

I'm a father of three boys. First off, I'll let you know some information about me. When I was a boy and an adolescent, my father never told me things about puberty, sex, or girls. He talked a little but never told me what they were or what to expect. He never showed his body, except for when I was between three and five we'd take showers together. But later in my pubescent years, I became self-conscious about my body and wondered if I was normal. My biggest concern during adolescence was if I was maturing properly. I never was exposed to seeing other guys nude, let alone my dad.

Then around 12 I became curious as to what other guys looked like and started looking at nude pictures of men and boys. I stopped that not too long after I had started because I realized that was wrong of me and sin. But while I was looking at that stuff, I justified what I was doing because I never was told what would happen to my body or what other people's bodies look like.

I'm not blaming my dad, I made those choices myself, but I do think because I was not informed or told, I had insecurities and underlying causes that led to that. I want to tell my boys about puberty, sex, and healthy relationships. I want to inform them and teach them from a Christian perspective. I love them and want what's best for them. I'm asking for help about how to tell them about their bodies, and how to handle them seeing me nude or even each other nude.

Right now, I still let my three-year-old son take showers and baths with me once or twice a week. But I stopped doing it with my other two sons when they reached five. I was unsure when to stop this because I couldn't clearly remember when my dad stopped doing it with me, but I think it was around five. I've read that dads and sons should be comfortable with seeing each other nude and that it actually helps with their self-body image and strengthens the father-son relationship. But I've also read that it could hurt them and their relationship and cause them to go down the path of homosexuality. So I haven't let them see me naked since they were 5. But I don't think it would be good for me or for them to see me nude now that they're this old.

They are homeschooled, so they aren't exposed to gyms or seeing other guys. As far as I know, they've never seen another naked person other than me and themselves. I'm also wondering when to tell them about puberty, sex, and masturbation. I believe earlier is better, but I'd like your advice on that as well.

Answer:

I home-schooled my own children and I am actively involved in homeschooling, even though my children are all adults now.

First off, while it should not be made an issue if you or your boys happen to see each other nude, I don't think it is good to be purposely exposed them to nudity. One of the failings in society is a loss of the idea of having a sense of shame. Paul once compared Christians to different parts of the human body. In his discussion, he made this comment: "And those members of the body which we think to be less honorable, on these we bestow greater honor; and our unpresentable parts have greater modesty, but our presentable parts have no need. But God composed the body, having given greater honor to that part which lacks it" (I Corinthians 12:23-24). There are parts of our bodies that can be openly displayed, but there are other parts that are not seemly to be seen in public. You teach this respect for their bodies and the bodies of others when they are young, so it becomes a habit for them. "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it" (Proverbs 22:6). For example, I have several times dealt with young men who understand that intercourse is wrong, but see nothing wrong with exposing themselves to their girlfriends. These are boys who did not grow up with a proper sense of shame. Set the habits in the home that you expect your sons to have outside your home.

In regards to teaching, the best is to answer any questions they have as they come up, but keep the information at the level they understand or need to know at that point in their life. For instance, you can start right away with the basic idea that a person's private areas need to be kept private.

If your eldest son is follow the typical development, he should already be in puberty, though I could not tell you how far. He is at the age that you should start talking to him about the fact that his body is going to change. See: When to Have that Little Talk. Most likely he will find the concept gross, especially if he has not yet experienced ejaculation. If he is at that point, cover the first three chapters in Growing Up in the Lord: A Study for Teenage Boys. (Count it as part of health class.) Don't be overly concerned if he doesn't get it. Leave the book around where he can read it if he wants. Wait until he hits his growth spurt and then ask him if he's ejaculated semen yet. If not, cover the first three chapters again, because they now have meaning to him. If he has ejaculated, then cover chapters four and five. Spend a small amount of time talking about how to clean up after he has an ejaculation and answer any questions he has. Make especially sure he understands that he is not to use computers or phones for viewing pornography and tell him why. When he gets to be around 16, go through the book again, but this time cover the rest of it.

Typically most boys don't like to talk about sexual issues with their parents, even though they badly want the information. The reason is that they have to live in the same house and they don't want to think of their parents as sexual or have their parents see them as being sexual. It is why I end up with so many guys writing to me -- because they don't know me and won't ever meet me.

Teaching Children About Fornication

Jeffrey Hamilton — Fri, 01 Apr 2016 02:00:00 +0000

by Mark Roberts

"Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body" (I Corinthians 6:18).

Perhaps no precept of scripture is as widely ignored as this one. Our society is absolutely obsessed with sex. Advertising, movies and television, printed material, popular music -- it all is filled to the brim with sex, lust, fornication, and adultery. Unfortunately, our young people are deeply affected by their environment. A Center for Disease Control study found that among ninth-graders 40% had committed fornication, with the numbers rising to 72% by the time children had reached the twelfth grade. The consequences of this behavior are staggering. Every year 3 million teens acquire a sexually transmitted disease. Every year more than one million teens become pregnant (that is 1 out of every 9 women aged 15-19).

If you are thinking "our" kids escape these statistics by virtue of their association with the Lord's church you can quit fooling yourself. Studies indicate that while "our" kids do not participate in sexual activity at quite the rate worldly children do, "our" children only lag about 20 points behind national averages. Satan is preaching a sermon about sex that kids want to hear, and they are willingly falling into his trap of lies and deception. What can be done?

With children, it is very important that we help them focus on the consequences of their behavior. Kids simply are not mature enough to always be obedient simply because they know they should do right, or out of love for mom and dad. Punishment works as a means to help children discipline themselves because it is a clearly spelled out consequence that they can understand and think about before they act (see Proverbs 23:13-14; 29:15). Unfortunately, some parents seem to think the only punishment applicable to premarital sex is hellfire. While fornicators will be so punished (Hebrews 13:4), it is not the only consequence of this sin. Solomon tells us the way of transgressors is hard (Proverbs 13:15) and never has this been more true than with sexual sin. As we help our children understand the painful consequences of fornication in the here and now, we help them stand strong for abstinence until they are old enough to trust God and submit to His will simply because "God said so."

What kind of consequences are there to premarital sex? Plenty! For example, children need to be told how sex before marriage can cause them to have false feelings of "love." One expert remarked "Sexual encounters outside of marriage . . . give an illusion of intimacy that can be mistaken for the lasting commitment that makes a marriage work." How many teens have gotten involved sexually, thought they had something great and so they married. Then they awaken in a nightmare -- trying to make a marriage work that has no foundation at all. See how God's law protects us?

Children also need to be told how sexual involvement before marriage will wreck their future relationships. Sex is such a powerful experience it cannot be forgotten. Then, once a person is married, it is inevitable that there will be comparisons to past relationships. Making matters worse, past memories have a tendency to become idealized. This results in young people who have frustration in their marriage because the physical relationship cannot possibly be as "good" as their romanticized past experiences. Now, one partner feels inadequate or haunted by the ghosts of the past -- does that sound like a solid, strong marriage? Hebrews 13:4 warns us not to defile the marriage bed, and that would include not defiling it with past relationships.

Another consequence of fornication is that it destroys our ability to be an influence for good. When we commit fornication we have compromised all that Christianity stands for. How is it possible for us to influence our boyfriend or girlfriend for Christ when we have shown that we are nothing but a hypocrite? What shame, humiliation, guilt, and problems fornication always brings. Your child may think he or she is a long way from hell's fires but these problems are here and now and can be understood. Use them to help your child understand why he or she should say "No!" to sex before marriage.

Clearly, a focus on consequence is the keystone of our defense against fornication. However, let me point out several other areas that need our attention as well. You need to love your child in a way that your child understands and can relate to. 93% of teen girls said having loving parents reduced the risks they'd have sex. Kids need love, acceptance, and understanding. If you don't give it to them they will find it elsewhere, even if it means trading sex for "love." You need to expect purity. The world is constantly preaching that children cannot possibly restrain themselves and that sex is inevitable. Stand out from that crowd. Be frank, be honest and be real -- but be clear that you expect that your child can do this and will do this.

My stomach still turns when I recall a conversation with a Christian who admitted he had given his boys contraceptives because he "just knew boys would be boys." What kind of attitude is this? How can we expect to win this battle when we have already thrown in the towel? You need to keep talking, keep trying, and keep loving your kids. Study after study reveals that parents have a powerful impact on their children, even when parents think they aren't "getting through." But just as you didn't teach table manners in one sitting, so you can't train in sexual purity in one talk either. Don't give up. Keep praying, keep talking, and keep working. You can do it -- because God will bless you when you teach your children to stand for righteousness and holiness.

My son won’t let anyone, including his doctor, see him naked

Jeffrey Hamilton — Sun, 22 Jun 2014 23:59:00 +0000

Question:

Good morning.

My son is just 15 and at 3.4 according to your Tanner calculator.

I am in the military and am very concerned that he is very shy and modest almost like a girl. I haven't seen him naked since he was maybe 6 or 7 because he hides himself very effectively. From seeing him in underwear or bathing suit, his genitals appear to be in line with other kids of the same age and physical stature. We went to buy diving gear and he was told to strip naked to try wetsuits on and he flat refused, but it's impossible to don a wetsuit solo, so no diving for him. I'm concerned because he wants a military career, but the trauma of the communal showers and open displays will be a major shock to him. I've been brutally open and honest in how it will be, and he just shruggs it off. When I take him to the doctor it's a fight for the doctor to check for hernia and testicular cancer, he makes the doctor feel through his underwear and won't let him look.

Do I put my foot down and force it? Have him sedated, so he can be examined properly, or what? This irrational modesty is ridiculous in a maturing male. Help me understand my son's wierd behavior. They don't make the boys shower in school gym class anymore because mothers have complained about it, calling them dumb jocks and neanderthals. Mommy crying about her son being naked is making these boys into little crybaby pansies in my opinion. I honestly don't think he has ever seen another naked male, ever. He refuses to change to swim with the boy scout troup and opted out of the sex education discussion. He's a good boy a total pleasure to have, a good student, respectful, plays sports well. Just has this blantant refusal to act like every other 15 year old I know who strip at the drop of a hat to take a dip in the creek with their buddies, but not my son. It's almost embarrassing.

Answer:

I believe you are overly concerned about a minor thing. Without him telling me what is going on, I would assume that he is just a very private person. There is nothing wrong with that. Yes, he is going to run into a problem if he decides to follow you into the military, but either he will resolve that issue by the time it becomes important or he will change his mind about his career field. In regards to exams by the doctor, leave that between him and his doctor. Just let him know that if he has any issues or odd signs appear that he should not let his discomfort stand in the way of seeking out help. If you don't make a big issue out of it, he will likely grow out of it.