My wife is afraid to have children
Question:
I would like your advice on this matter, please.
My wife and I have been together for nearly ten years and married for almost five years. When we were dating, she said she never wanted kids unless it is with the right man. So apparently I was her right man and she wanted to have kids with me in the future. We were saving money for the last few years and bought a three-bedroom house because we wanted to have kids. Now when the time came to plan for a baby, she said she isn’t ready, and she doesn’t know if she will ever be ready. She also said that she will never say never because she might regret not having kids. I was heartbroken, of course, and now after two weeks of debating, she said she will have a child just for me since neither of us can live without each other. We love each other.
Her reasons why she didn’t want kids are first of all her lack of desire and then so many other fears (responsibilities, pregnancy, delivery, life commitment, etc.). I don’t mind all these fears because I will support her to overcome them. But my biggest fear is the fact she never desired to have them. That makes me wonder if she is going to love them. Is she going to break down since she is doing this only for me?
I am confused if the right thing is to stay with her and support her and consider this as a cross that I have to carry. Or this is a sign that we are not meant for each other? I’m simply scared of what the future might bring and if the kids will get the right love from their mom. She says, of course, she will love them, but she is not sure if she will end up in a mental institution or if things will turn fine after all.
Thanks in advance and looking forward for your advice.
Answer:
"Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored" (Titus 2:3-5).
We usually think that love is instinctive, but it is something taught. We initially learn love from our parents, but we also learn from our friends and those we respect. Since your wife's reluctance seems to come mostly from her fears of the unknown, the best thing she can do is talk with older women who have been through it all to see that what she fears is not as scary as they might appear.
My guess is that once she has a child, her maternal instinct will kick in and she will enjoy being a mother. Unless you think she is mentally ill, I don't think you should heed your own fears. Like her, you are fearing the unknown. Make your decision based on what is right and good for the two of you. Problems will arise, but you are able to deal with them as they appear. Worry about what might happen is an exercise in futility. "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble" (Matthew 6:34).
Having children changes many things in a relationship, but they are changes that good for both the husband and wife.
Response:
Thank you very much, Jeffrey, for your thorough explanation. We will do our best. God bless you!
