I want out of my marriage
Question:
Good morning,
I have serious problems with my marriage. I'm married to a pastor, who was a man of God. Recently I have found out that he has been searching for pornography with his phone. He also flirted with women on social media. It has been going on for a long time. I confronted him many times, but he will be defensive and aggressive.
I want a divorce, but as a Christian, I'm not sure if God would approve. I tried everything to save my marriage, but I fail because my husband enjoys living in sin. What hurts me the most is that on Sundays he is a man who preaches repentance to people, but when he is not in the church he spends his time flirting with ladies and watching porn. I really need to be advised in God's way. I can't take it anymore. I want out of this marriage.
Answer:
A pastor is also called an elder in the Bible. His duties are supposed to be a prime example of godly living, both among church members and in his home (I Timothy 3:1-7). However, godly living is not limited to pastors. God tells us that every Christian man should be striving for purity and doing his best not to even look upon other women lustfully (Matthew 5:26-27). Your husband hides his sins behind his position (II Timothy 3:1-6). When confronted with his sin, he simply shifts the blame and justifies his actions. He is like the adulterous woman in Proverbs, "This is the way of an adulterous woman: She eats and wipes her mouth, And says, "I have done no wrong" (Proverbs 30:20).
I would suggest looking at your bank records, his text messages, social media accounts. You are likely to find evidence if he is having an affair and also evidence of his misconduct as a Christian, even if he is not having an affair. If you are sure he is having an affair, then you can file for divorce. You don't need to see your husband commit the act. Staying the night over at a woman's house or with her at a hotel, or a message mentioning that he is having relations is enough evidence to know what he is doing.
I never suggest divorce unless a spouse will not repent. If he is committing adultery (pornography, by the way, is not adultery) then you would have the option to divorce and stay single or find another spouse (Matthew 19:9). If he not involved in adultery and you choose to divorce him, you will have to remain single (I Corinthians 7:10-11).
If you have enough evidence of his involvement in sin, it needs to be presented to the leaders at the church you attend. Even if he is not committing adultery, he needs to be confronted about his involvement in sin and if he doesn't change, then he needs to be withdrawn from (I Corinthians 5).
There is always a chance a church leadership will try to sweep the issue under the rug and hide it. If that happens you will know that it is time to find a church that is more faithful to God's teachings.
