Question:

I'm in my thirties and my fiancée is in her twenties. I've been in a relationship for three years with her, and we got engaged. She said I was the only one she was seeing, but within that period I forgave her twice for texting and dating other men. Yesterday, I found out that my fiancée had two other men she is considering marrying while she is engaged to me. I felt betrayed. It was so shocking and confusing, so I broke up the engagement. But I feel bad for her -- the pain she must be going through right now. I also feel guilty for dumping her though I think I did the right thing.

My questions are: Was it a wrong decision to have dumped her? Did I act too fast? Did I offend God by ending it with her? What if she truly loved me, but was just naive because of her youthfulness?


Answer:

One of the reasons we have an engagement period before marriage is to give time for emotions to settle and to see if the relationship will last. By "relationship," I'm not talking about a sexual one. I hope that you and she have not been having sex because that just further complicates your feelings about this.

When you realize that the other person is not true, then you should end the relationship. That is what Joseph was initially going to do when he thought Mary had sex with another man. "Now the birth of Jesus Christ was as follows: when His mother Mary had been betrothed to Joseph, before they came together she was found to be with child by the Holy Spirit. And Joseph her husband, being a righteous man and not wanting to disgrace her, planned to send her away secretly" (Matthew 1:18-19). Joseph was called Mary's "husband" because they did not have a separate word for fiancée in Greek or Hebrew. An engagement was considered a commitment that was to respected as if two people were married, even though the marriage had not yet taken place. It did not give the couple the right to move in together or to have sex, but it was expected to be an exclusive relationship. Notice that the reason Joseph had decided to put away Mary secretly (i.e. end the engagement) was because he was a righteous man. He did not want to be married to an unrighteous woman, but he also was polite and decided to end the engagement quietly to spare Mary as much embarrassment as possible. God did intervene and explained to Joseph that Mary had not been unfaithful to him, and so Joseph did go ahead with the wedding -- but following that story will get us off track.

You are making excuses for this girl instead of accepting the evidence presented. She has been seeing multiple men. She did not take her engagement seriously. I would not be surprised if she had been having sex with other guys and also accepting marriage proposals. This is definitely the type of woman who would commit adultery after her marriage. The breakup is due to her sins, so she must face the consequence of them. There is no way she truly loved you while she was seeing other men.

You didn't act too fast. If anything, you probably let it go longer than it should have. Even now you are having trouble letting this bad relationship go.

Thank you very much. I committed sexual sins with her, but not exactly actual intercourse. When I could no longer live with the guilt, we stopped and I confessed to my pastor who counselled us. Ever since, we never did anything of that sort. I have been able to let go, and I no longer feel responsible for her pains. I feel more joy, and my usefulness has increased significantly. I truly appreciate this. Thank you once again.