I need peace and a word from God.
My boyfriend of two years promised to marry me and start a family after I gave him a child. I could not conceive. I wanted to do things right and marry first, but he insisted that I live with him first, and only then would he marry me. He took me to many gynecologists to be able to conceive. He told me I'm unworthy of being a woman if I couldn't bear his child, and that I would be a pathetic excuse for a woman. I became pregnant a month later.
I gave up my studies, my home, and the city I lived in and came into his home. I convinced him to go to church a lot. When I found out I was pregnant, I told him we should get married now and he refused. The only reason he wanted a baby was to marry. He did not want the baby, and I left. I asked his mother to take me in, but she told me that because her son did not marry me, I am not her responsibility, and she cannot give me a place.
I had no choice but to have an abortion. My ex-boyfriend was cheating and left me with the baby. I am consumed with guilt. I really miss my baby girl and wish I could just be with her once. Please tell me how to get peace of mind. I know that what I did was sinful. I cry every day, yet he parties every day. I don't understand how this pain is God's plan. I'm the only one suffering, not him. He is happy with his girlfriend. I cannot find peace. I cry every day and I'm guilty of murdering my little girl. I cannot forgive myself for what I did. I had no choice and nowhere to go.
Show me how to move on without this pain, please.
I wish there was a way to erase your burdens, but you went against God and found out why His laws are against what you did.
You said you had no choice, but you had years of choices. You decided to date a man who wanted sex with you. "Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Hebrews 13:4). Instead of telling him "no" and dumping him, you continued. He refused to marry you unless you had his child. Instead of telling him he's crazy and dumping him, you allowed yourself to be treated for infertility. When you became pregnant and he still refused to marry you, you moved in with him. It was only when he finally admitted that he didn't want the baby that you left. Even then you had a choice: you could have returned to work and raised the child as a single mother or you could have given the child up for adoption. Instead you chose to kill the result of your years of sin.
Yes, he is continuing down the path of sin. "Behold, these are the ungodly, who are always at ease; they increase in riches. Surely I have cleansed my heart in vain, and washed my hands in innocence. For all day long I have been plagued, and chastened every morning. If I had said, "I will speak thus," behold, I would have been untrue to the generation of Your children. When I thought how to understand this, it was too painful for me - until I went into the sanctuary of God; then I understood their end. Surely You set them in slippery places; You cast them down to destruction. Oh, how they are brought to desolation, as in a moment! They are utterly consumed with terrors. As a dream when one awakes, so, Lord, when You awake, You shall despise their image" (Psalms 73:12-20).
You pretended that you were doing good because you got the man you were committing fornication with to go to church a few times. As if that really changed him or you. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthains 6:9-10).
The past can't be erased. You sowed a wind and reaped a whirlwind of trouble because that is the nature of sin (Hosea 8:7). You can't bring your daughter back, but you can meet her one day in heaven. But to do that you will have to stop living a life of sin. You will have to become a faithful and devoted follower of Christ.
"Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:13-14).
You can't make your past better, but you can make your future bright.