I found your web site because I have POCD (uncontrollable thoughts). I was searching the web and came across your site. My POCD was really bad. I thought I was crazy for a long time until after three years I found out the name for what I was feeling.
However, the new thing that has been bugging me is that for the first time in my life I have been dealing with a lack of faith in God. Every time I pray or ask God for help or just sitting around these thoughts about existentialism or these ideas about other types of reality and existence come into my mind. Looking back I can see where it started. I was always interested by these things but it never effected my faith. I was so set up in what I knew that it never bothered me when these thoughts popped up. The thing is now these thoughts are not only popping up, but I would be lying if I said there wasn't a small part of me that believes it. This is due to the fact that the teachers I trusted in, I'm finding out might not be 100% right.
I feel sick about it and I can't even blame God for not answering my prayers due to my lack of faith. its like you said in one of your papers "due to the nature of some sins they may not lead to repentance" or blaspheming the Holy Spirit. That's the thing that scares me because I feel and think is that if I give into this new way of thinking, I would be blaspheming the Holy Spirit.
I was saved when I was a teenager. I have led a sinful life and am 100% deserving of what I got now, so I don't blame God. I know how I got here, but there's still a side of me that has this lack of faith, and it's not just due to the POCD -- it is my conscious thoughts, so I am to blame. I repent but I feel that I'm being untrue because those thoughts are in my head and tempt me very strongly at times. The only reason I don't give into it and try, and I am doing my best to stick with God, is because my head tells me how it felt to be saved and how I used to view God before I had this breakdown and all the other things. On top of the fact that if I'm wrong I would go to hell and not have any reason to complain about it. The other side of my mind tells me that it's an illusion and we create our own reality.
This conflict started happening about two months ago. Like I said, I know how I got here but it does not quell what I'm feeling. What I worry about is why would God help me if I'm so two-sided, why would God restore my faith? Don't you need faith for any thing? I'm afraid that if this continues, I might go mad or lose my faith willingly due to just not being able to fight it anymore. At this moment it feels like I could just give up, but fear, sadness, and my past experiences are the only things pushing me to seek answers and find help. If it wasn't for that, I would give up. It goes without saying that feeling all those things is not fun and that's what makes it hard. These feelings came on almost overnight. After I found out about some people I looked up to as teachers were maybe not 100%, it shook up everything for me. Before this my faith was unshakable. Nothing could make me think there wasn't a God.
POCD is a subclass of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Pure OCD is a reference to the person's thoughts. They are obsessive about what they think, where most OCD suffers demonstrate compulsiveness in what they do. A POCD person constantly doubts himself and reality. He is uncertain of what he might have done or not done. He constantly checks himself to test if his perception of reality is true or not. Having uncontrolled thoughts leads to this condition because the person isn't certain where thoughts came from, so he is always doubting whether a thought is his own or coming from his condition.
You said you know where your condition came from, but never actually said what you think is the cause. What you did mention is the source of the material your unwanted thoughts are drawing from. So what happened two months ago to start these unwanted thoughts?
People are people, so few are ever 100% right in any matter. People do make mistakes. Knowing that your teachers have not always been right should not be disturbing. For that matter, since you are not always 100% right either, it should be considered a possibility that you are mistaken at times about their mistakes. But all of this analysis can be very confusing when you are doubting your own thoughts.
"So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God" (Romans 10:17). Faith in God comes from knowing the Bible that God wrote. Faith should not be dependent on people. It isn't a feeling, but a trust in what God has said and promised. Technically, God doesn't give faith. You choose to trust God, which is faith. "Jesus answered and said to them, "This is the work of God, that you believe in Him whom He sent"" (John 6:29). Since the Bible is written, you should have no problems seeing what is said.