Question:

Wow! I was reading the story of the guy who also suffers from OCD religion or scrupulosity. It sounded exactly like I wrote it. I've only had it for less than a year and it drives me crazy. How do you think of bad things especially when it's someone you love? I had a rough childhood. My mom passed away while I was still an infant. I had major surgery before the age of three. I was molested by a neighbor at six or seven. Exposed to hard porn by early teens. So a lot went on in a short time. I saw a Christian therapist for a few months and it only helped while I was there. I may try cognitive behavior therapy or medication.  Also worry about salvation even though I have great faith. (OCD kicking in). I've tried every prayer you can imagine. I also told the Lord if this is my cross then so be it. Is this possible that I'm paying for my past sexual sins here on earth?

At this point I still have faith in God, and He has His own way and time to correct things and diseases in our lives.


Answer:

I don't think you are paying for past sexual sins by having scrupulosity. Sins do have consequences, but you'll find that they are typically a direct physical result of the sin, such as having a child or picking up a disease.

If I had to pick from the little that you mentioned what is impacting you today, I would give greater weight to the molestation. At that age you would still have been innocent of the knowledge of sin but suspecting that what went on was wrong. So while uncomfortable with what was happening, you would be disturbed that physical pleasure came with it. Then to top it off, molesters usually tell their victims that it is their fault because the molester doesn't want to face the guilt of his own sins. Children are particularly vulnerable to being convinced that what an older person says must be true and the conflicting feelings toward what is happening only serves to reinforce the lies.

It is common for children who have been molested to get caught up in sexual sins when they reach adolescence. They might even repeat the sins committed against them on others, or they might take it in some other extreme direction to "prove" they aren't what the molester led them to believe. This doesn't excuse the misbehavior, but it does give understanding where training needs to take place.

But what is going on now isn't based in reality. You are dealing with pop-up thoughts that feel as if they are your own, but they are thoughts which you know you would not do or act out on. It is easy to get lost between the fear of what you might become and the knowledge of who you must be. The suggestions I gave do work in managing this problem. Also, if you need someone to talk to about it, you are welcome to contact me.