Question:

Hello.

I have currently been married for not quite a year and I need some advice.

My husband and I met when we were in our late teens; as you can see, we were fairly young. After two months he left me to join the army. We were not yet married at this time. I ended up cheating on him with another man, something I could never bring myself to do today. It went on for nearly a year. I confessed once and after that continued to cheat (stupid enough) because I was young, dumb, and very naive when it came to relationships. I jumped in head first and didn't know anything about being with someone. I was hurt when he left and I went to seek someone to fix my pain, something you should never do. The second time around after I cheated, I almost got caught and completely stopped. I did love the guy, but I stopped everything. I got on my knees and prayed so hard with everything in my body for God to guide me, forgive and heal me. I begged for forgiveness of my sin and for Jesus to come into my heart and he did.

After that I did everything I needed to, to never speak to this man again, and I mean everything. I can't believe how foolish I was. A month later I opened a new chapter in my life, marriage. I married him and have been faithful ever since. My husband got discharged from the army, but before he came home he was stationed a long ways from home. It was hard. We got into arguments a lot, we were very violently verbal with each other almost everyday and again I had an empty feeling because he was gone.

He eventually came home and two weeks with him being home we got into a horrible physical fight. He moved out of my house and a month later we decided to work it out. Sadly again, we got into another violent physical altercation that led to him once again leaving me alone, to suffer by myself. Ever since then things have been rocky. We've broken up several times over the phone just to get back together, arguing constantly. We've talked about marriage counseling but never went. Lately I've been feeling detached. He's my husband but I rarely get to see him. He barely makes time for me and I'm left feeling like I felt before he came back home.

This morning he told me it wasn't working out. He's been saying this for a week. I was fighting so hard for him to change his mind because I feel like me giving up would be a disappointment to God. Well. I finally gave in and said we're better off being friends. Of course, he started to regret telling me it was over.

I recently got in contact with my previous lover. He's made me smile for the first time in a long time, but I will dare not cross the line and cheat while I'm married.

We're so young. What do you think it's best for me to do?


Answer:

Absolutely number one on the list is to drop all contact with your former sex partner. You had a choice before you got married to pick one of two men. You picked one and now you must live up to your commitment. All you are doing with this other man is tempting yourself to commit adultery. It will never lead to anything good.

Second, you need to learn how to be a wife. Your husband needs to learn his role as well, but at the moment I only have your ear. At the moment you are making all sorts of excuses for yourself:

  • You got married young. Actually, you didn't. By today's standard it is younger than average but not all that long ago you married at what was then the average age. Back then divorce was almost unheard of. Today it is too commonly found. It isn't the age that is making the difference, but the dedication to making marriages work.
  • You're attracted to another guy. That phase of your life ended when you made a covenant with your husband. It isn't the reason your marriage is falling apart.
  • You lived far apart at the beginning of your marriage. Now we are something that did cause a set back. But instead of working to overcome the problem, or moving to live with your husband, you both chose to drift apart.
  • You barely see your husband and feel detached. Of course, you are fighting and that isn't right or proper. I don't who is hitting whom, or if it the fighting was mutual. I will tell you that this silly, childish behavior must stop. You are married adults, not kids on a playground. But what man or woman wants to be with someone they fight with all the time? You're driving each other way and then blaming being away for why you can't live with each other.

See a good counselor, someone who is going to uphold true Christian beliefs and help you work through the issues you have in being married. It doesn't matter if your husband goes with you or not. You have to start somewhere.

My point is that there is no reason that this marriage has to end. You both don't know what you are doing and probably don't have good role models. It is past time to admit you need help and go find it.

I really thank you because I needed some heartfelt advice. If my husband and I did divorce, I probably would be too depressed to even begin another relationship with anyone. I guess it just came to the point that I began to not care. I do believe we had no business getting married that young, living in the generation we live and I'll have to stick with that idea.

I want to continue my marriage, but I'll have to become a better person first. I need to finish school and maybe seek some indiviual counseling to help me with my anger. I don't want marriage to seem like a written contract because nowadays the way people get married and divorced that's all it's become.

I sincerely thank you, and hopefully I won't have to come back to you with anymore devastating stories. Please pray for me.