Question:

Why do I get so angry at my boyfriend all the time, he doesn't do anything negative? I feel as if I should control him. I can't stand him not listening to me. I know this is wrong. How can I change?

Answer:

There isn't enough to go on, but it appears you see your boyfriend as an extension of yourself and not as an independent person. If you think you need to be in control, then you aren't ready for a relationship. Each person makes up their own minds and those around them then react to their decisions. For example, as a preacher I would love to have everyone do what is right and avoid sin, but I can't make anyone do it. I can be encouraging, I can express my disapproval when they do wrong, and I can be sympathetic when their lives crumble because they made a bad choice, but I can't stop everyone from making a bad decision. The same is true in a relationship. I can express what I think ought to be and if the one I'm interested in marrying continues to make bad choices, I can decide to find someone else.

But often what people find is a blend. What I thought might have been a bad choice, say financially, actually turns out to be a pretty good one. In such cases, I can appreciate the other person's better insight.

Another thing you need to understand is that if you decide to marry this man, you are voluntarily stating that he is going to have the final say since it is to the man that God gave the responsibility of leadership in a family. "For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body" (Ephesians 5:23). He won't always be right, but what you have to ask yourself is if you trust his judgment overall.

Second, men don't analyze and solve problems the way women do. Women will talk about a problem and look at it from every angle to see which is the optimum solution. Men tend to look for an adequate solution as quickly as possible. Both problem solving methods have their pluses and minuses. But just because your boyfriend doesn't act like your girlfriends in discussing a problem to death before making a move, it doesn't necessarily mean he is not listening to you. What it does mean is that you need to hash through the possible solutions and then present to him a short list of the best solutions you came up with. He can then fold that into what he discovered to pick a workable solution.

Don't judge him as listening to you only when he picks the same solution you chose. If he did that all the time then he isn't an independent person and isn't contributing to the relationship. Agreement and listening are not the same thing.

If you got a man who never asks or factors your thoughts into his decisions, then you need to find another man to marry. Any great leader knows that they don't know everything and they need the input of others to get a broader view.

You're angry because you are trying to control another person. You can't. You can only control yourself. Until you face that fact you'll remain angry and he will likely move on to find a calmer woman.

Thanks. That makes a lot of sense. I'm learning to be a little more calmer.