Hi. I was once a member of the Lord's church. I say "was" because since getting baptized last year, I was so dedicated and love the Lord, but it was so soon after that I got trapped and went back to my wallowing in sin! i.e. pornography and masturbation. Even after I was married, I was still doing it and then I hated myself that I have done these again. I wanted to quit and then few weeks later I find myself doing the same thing again, which sins I've repeated for the past couple of years. I don't know what to do.
I better describe myself like a dog that turned into his vomit as the apostle Peter described it. When I remember those passages that I have read and learned, I knew I was trodding under foot the Son of God by my sins so to speak. I am ashamed of myself and feel bitter that I have forsaken the Lord and now I am even depressed at the thought of it. I am scared to read Hebrews 10:18,26. I am trying to repent, but the fact that I have forsaken the Lord makes me uncomfortable and fearful because of my abominable sins. How can I gain my confidence that when I repent (I'm quitting on my sins now) I would still go to heaven?
That you have returned to your sins is a sad state, but the real question for you is are you going to stay there or get back out of the mud? The problem is that you are reading passages about people who go back to the mud and decide to stay there and then apply it to yourself. It isn't how many times you slip, it is whether you get up and try again to do what is right. "But if a wicked man turns from all his sins which he has committed, keeps all My statutes, and does what is lawful and right, he shall surely live; he shall not die. None of the transgressions which he has committed shall be remembered against him; because of the righteousness which he has done, he shall live. "Do I have any pleasure at all that the wicked should die?" says the Lord GOD, "and not that he should turn from his ways and live?"" (Ezekiel 18:21-23).
There are two things I want you to do. First, I want you to read up on why pornography is alluring. Perhaps if you understand better how you are being manipulated, you will be better able to resist Satan's trap. See "A Look at Pornography" and "The Problem of Private Lust."
Second, you need time to heal, so you need to cut off your access to pornography. "If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell" (Matthew 5:29-30). Jesus is not talking about physical mutilation, but that sometimes it takes drastic action to stem an out-of-control problem. I want you to get one of the Internet filtering programs, such as Safe Eyes, Net Nanny, or B-Safe and install it on your computer. One of the steps is to assign a password to control what you can or cannot see and remove the program from your computer. Give the administrator control to someone else and have them change the password. This way you can't get to the pornography without a lot of effort.
Over time you will develop more self-control. There is no guarantee that you won't slip yet again, but if you are determined to beat this thing, you will. "He who overcomes shall inherit all things, and I will be his God and he shall be My son" (Revelation 21:7).